identity exercise: spirit-filled

 To be identified as spirit-filled...this is ever my desire.  For as long as I can remember, my heart's cry has been to be close to Jesus, to be filled with his Spirit.  As a very little girl, I loved God so much and I just wanted to be good for him.  My understanding of him was skewed when I was young and I was afraid, but I still loved him with all my heart.  

I've been through ups and downs in my spiritual life.  For much of my life, I felt like my relationship with God was pure discipline, not much "feeling" or experience involved.  Sometimes, I've experienced his presence profoundly.  I've felt him beckoning.  I've had times of apathy and times of passion.  I've yelled at him and sung to him.  

Most recently, it seems like he's been mostly silent.  But what I know without question is that he is present even in the silence.  I'm never alone.  I know I am beloved of him.  His Spirit is in me without a doubt and I am growing in God all the time, learning to trust more, learning to recognize his voice more readily, learning to see his leading more clearly.  I am confident that he is working in me, a good work, and he will be faithful to complete it in me.

Because I belong to God, I am Spirit-filled. What a gift.

identity exercise: generous with talents

 How can I not be generous with my talents??  They're a gift from God.  Any talent I have is because of him, not me.  The best way to show my thanks to him and to be a good steward is to share them with others.  

Every time I share my guitar playing, my voice, my writing or art, it's because God gave them to me and is pleased when I give them away.  I want any talent I might have to point people's eyes to Jesus.  My life and gifts are not about me, they are about him.  

I could keep my talents close to the vest.  I could bury them and keep them hidden, pull them out only for myself.  Especially because I don't think I'm especially talented at all.  But what I have, God gave, and I need to share in order to honour him.    

identity exercise: good host

 I don't have the gift of hospitality, so it's kind of strange to think I'm a good host.  But I think the reason is that people feel accepted by me.  I like that; I want people to know that they are acceptable just the way they are.  

Although I sometimes feel stressed about people coming over to my house, I mostly just want them to be comfortable.  So my house isn't super clean or clear of clutter, but that's not the important thing, it's how people feel.  I like to be at ease in my house and I want people to be at ease too, so my brand of hospitality is to have people help themselves.  I think that as I learn to be at ease in my own skin, I make people feel less awkward around me.

I had a friend tell me once that she felt refreshed at my house, and I love that.  It doesn't take a house in perfect order to minister peace to people who turn up.  I think if I embrace my gentle and accepting nature, that makes people feel at more at peace themselves.  

Because I don't necessarily feel gifted in hospitality, I think I'm just kind of a "what you see is what you get" person.  I don't feel like I really have anything to prove when I have people over, so I'm just myself and that adds to the comfort factor for visitors and people around me.

Good host.  I wouldn't have said it about myself, but I love that being who God made me, makes people feel comfortable enough for it to be true.

identity exercise: iridescent

 My friend Lisa Bee told me that I am "iridescent."  That's so lovely.  In the dictionary it says that iridescent means "showing luminous colours that seem to change when seen from different angles."

God is the God of beauty and colour.  He has so many attributes, there's no way to describe him as just one thing.  He seems to change when you see him from different angles, because there are so many things about him that we can never quantify them.  

I like the idea of being iridescent.  To me it seems like a gift from God.  I want my life, my personality, everything about me, to show him.  I want people to see him from every angle of me.  I want to be an example of his love.  his joy.  his peace.  his kindness.  his goodness.  his gentleness.  To me, being iridescent means being a reflection of him.

identity exercise: generous with time

 

I think it's true about me that I am generous with my time and it's something I like about myself.  Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be available to people.  

The not-so-pure part of that desire is that if I make myself available, people will value me and want me around.  That made me become a "yes" girl to my detriment a long time ago.  Eventually I crashed and ended up having to say no to everything.  Once my life was emptied of all the "doing" I was able to see how I was finding my worth in service instead of in God.  

I've slowly added things back in over the past few years - and taken things out again as I've tipped over that balance - and carefully I'm finding my way to a sweet spot.  I know I don't need to say yes to everything because I'm more centred in Christ and learning every day that my worth is in him alone.  What I do say yes to, I enjoy or I choose out of a desire to give, not a desire to take.  I get to be available to my people out of a more filled-up space rather than a "fill-me-up" space.   It's a good place.

identity exercise: talented

I've not really thought of myself as talented, per se.  I see myself as pretty mediocre.  It's not that I'm ungrateful for my abilities.  I just don't think I'm that good at anything.  I don't think it's a case of comparison, though I do see that others are much better than me at any "talent" I might possess.  I'm properly impressed by the talent of others but I don't particularly envy anyone or wish for their talent for myself.  I'm happy with my own gifts such as they are, simply because I enjoy them.

Probably first on the list is music.  I've loved to sing since I was a wee girl and naturally picked out harmonies from a very early age.  I didn't realize it was a gift until I became a mother and heard my own children sing.  It took much longer for them to come into tune!  I also enjoy playing guitar, though I get most enjoyment playing by myself rather than for anyone.  I learned bass guitar in my 40s, and love the idea of "rocking out" as a hip oldster. 😂

I've written since I was very young as well.  I wasn't a real story writer or anything, but I enjoyed writing stories and poetry in creative writing class, and I started journaling when I was ten and never looked back.  Through the years I've continued to process life through writing and I have also written for others in the form of devotionals and stories.  It's nothing breath-taking, but it's me.

I like drawing in the form of doodling, and I like dabbling with paint as well.  These are art forms in which I've had no formal training but I fake my way through and often come out with something I kind of like.  It's fun to give my doodling away as gifts.

I learned fabric arts such as crocheting and quilting in my early adulthood.  Again, these are things I like to do as gifts.  I'm not particularly good at either of them but I enjoy them and it makes me happy to give handmade things away.

So yeah, I play around with a lot of different things, but I don't think I'm particularly talented at anything.  I appreciate being able to bring happiness and enjoyment to other people with the unremarkable gifts that I have.  This brings me joy.

identity exercise: effortlessly inclusive

I love the idea of being thought of as effortlessly inclusive.  What a sweet moniker!

For most of my life, I never felt like I belonged anywhere.  I've had lots good friends, but always just felt kind of "alien" to everyone.  Even in my family, I always felt like I was different, like I didn't belong with them.  I remember as a pre-teen, asking my mom if I was adopted because I felt like I wasn't like my siblings or parents.  I didn't really feel like I fit in as I was, so I made myself into someone who would look like they fit into whatever group I was a part of.  I always thought something was intrinsically wrong with me.  I was always worried that someday the jig would be up; everyone would realize I was an imposter and reject me.  

Knowing how it feels to believe one doesn't belong anywhere, I want people in my sphere of influence to feel like they are valuable and important, just as they are.  I'll admit, it's really not effortless!  As a shy introvert, I find it hard to reach out and invite people in sometimes.  But I guess the learned skill of remaking myself has come in handy in this case!  I'd rather others feel welcome around me than uncomfortable, so I try to push past my own discomfort and include people in whatever group I'm a part of.

I've never really thought about the blessing behind feeling like I don't belong; it's always been a sad thing for me.  But looking at it now, I feel like it's been something that God has redeemed by making me into someone who tries to include others and make them feel welcome.  I love seeing how God makes beauty out of the ashes of the difficult parts of life.

identity exercise: authentic

 Is there a difference between "authentic" and "genuine"?  The dictionary says authentic means "of undisputed origin; genuine" and genuine means "truly what something is said to be; authentic."  So I guess they do mean pretty much the same thing.  

I like the way authentic is defined, though:  of undisputed origin.  To me, being called authentic is high praise then.  I want it to be undisputed that I belong to Jesus.  I want people to know that my origin story is that I was found and rescued by him.  I want people to be sure that nothing I do is in my own strength, but in Christ's strength alone.  He is the one in whom I place my trust and find my worth and value.  He is the only reason I am still even drawing breath, frankly.  If people see Jesus in me and are drawn to God because of me, that's amazing.  The older I get, the more I want more of him and less of me.  I want to be authentically his, of undisputed origin.

identity exercise: adventurer

 This idea of me being an adventurer is laughable in a way.  It is seriously only because of God that I could be viewed as an adventurer.  When I was young, I was afraid of everything.  I couldn't bear new foods, unfamiliar situations, or new things.  Even when I got married, I was terrified of learning to drive in a new place and getting to know new people.

It started with living far from family.  Brant often didn't want to take time off to drive that far to visit family, and he always wanted to safe his time off for hunting.  Especially once the kids arrived, I made the decision to travel alone, because I wanted the kids to know their extended family.  Then along came missions.  I had always given towards missions, but moving to Nigeria for two years was way out of my comfort zone.  I did it because God called us to it and it was a step of obedience.  Since we came home, I've continued to travel for short-term missions trips all over the world.  I guess I've found the "adventurer" moniker amusing because it seems like "obedient" is the better word. If it wasn't for God calling, I'd never have gone anywhere.

I think what has made me an adventurer is mainly the fact that I believe God is with me all the time.  It's not that I think nothing bad could ever happen to me, but I know that God will never abandon me so I feel confident that I am safe no matter what happens.  

identity exercise: lovable

When I hear the word lovable, I think of something cute and cuddly, soft and squishy like a stuffed animal.  In the dictionary, it means inspiring or deserving love or affection.

I struggle to see myself as lovable.  I am overly familiar with my faults and I identify strongly with those.  It's much easier to think of a list of things wrong with me than to try to understand why someone would say that I am lovable, and try to explain what they mean.

If I go by my definition, I could say that I'm carrying enough pounds to be squishy and cuddly and soft, I suppose.  And I'm often told I'm cute or adorable - maybe because I'm shortish and I can be excitable about simple things?

If I look at myself through the dictionary definition, it's harder.  What makes a person lovable?  Is it my smile?  My looks?  How I dress?  My interests and hobbies?  More than these, I think.  I hope it's the way I care about people.  I want it to be my gentle spirit that makes me lovable.  Or my go-with-the-flow nature.  I want to be lovable because people can tell that I'm fun and that I care about them.  I hope that's what makes me lovable.

 

identity exercise: million dollar smile

 I have been told for as long as I can remember that I have a great smile.  A smile is not a character trait, but it's nice to hear.  

But also, Brant told me awhile ago that he misses my real smile.  He was looking at a picture of me from a few years ago and said I don't smile that way anymore.  It's because when the picture was taken, I felt really good about myself.  I had starved myself to a good weight and I felt confident and happy.  I was still dealing with depression and things but I didn't feel it like I do now.  And the body shame I have always battled was lessened because I had lost weight.  I'm so disgusted by myself, I just want to hide all the time.  I know that's not how I'm supposed to feel but I don't know how to stop it.

Anyway.  I do like my smile.  I've always loved that I have dimples.  I have straight teeth.  And I think that when I smile for real, it shows more than just a face; it comes from the inside.  I think it is birthed from belonging to God and from the character he is building in me.  Maybe the shame and depression dim my true nature and keep it from showing on my face so much.  Maybe I'll come back around to having a true smile someday.

identity exercise: tenacious

 Tenacious means tending to keep a firm hold on something; clinging or adhering closely.  It means not readily relinquishing a position, principle, or course of action; determined. It means persisting in existence; not easily dispelled.

I think I'm tenacious in all of those ways.  I've been fighting in some way, shape, or form, for 15 years to get past childhood trauma.  I remember when someone told me it should take me about 7 or 8 years and when I hit there and wasn't "better", I was discouraged and felt like something was wrong with me.  But I didn't give up.  Now, to be truthful, probably part of the reason it's taken me this long is that sometimes I tenaciously avoid what I need to face! 😁But hey, still fits the definition. lol

I've clung to God throughout this whole journey of life.  Since I was a wee girl, my relationship with God has been important to me.  Even when it was marked by fear and performance, it was still the most important thing in my life.  

When I believe in something or believe I'm in the right, I usually stick to my position and defend it hard.  Brant once told Caleb not to bother arguing with me because he'd never win, I'm always right.  I was hurt and offended, but he wasn't wrong.  I think if there's room for the possibility that I'm mistaken, I'm able to give in; maybe in part it's because I don't want to be wrong so I pursue the truth above holding my own position.  I know that when I'm convinced of something, I'm hard to move, though - maybe too hard...?

I have persisted in existence for years through significant clinical, now diagnosed med-resistant depression.  I've wished for death a lot over the years.  I find staying alive really hard.  But even though suicide enters my mind more in some seasons, I'm still here. I've resisted that temptation and I'll continue to do my best to resist.

Here's the thing.  There are verses in the Bible that talk about joy and abundant life.  That means that there must be some way for those things to be true for me.  I believe God loves me and isn't satisfied with the idea of me living the way I have - bowed down by depression.  I think that he has a way for me to live in the both/and - depression may not dissipate, but I can still live in Truth instead of lie.  Depression can't be all there is.  I'll keep holding on, keep trying, keep pursuing until I find the More of Life that God has for me.

identity exercise: always ready to get something going

 This is a fun thing to be but it didn't come easily.

I was incredibly shy and timid as a little girl. I never wanted to join groups. I was happiest alone, and as I grew, with a book in my hand.  I learned that I was too moody and sensitive through the teasing and frustration from my family.

It wasn't a conscious decision that brought me out of my shell. Some part of me understood that I was not valued for who I was and I needed to become something else, so I did. By the time I was in grade 8, I had become a sly class clown, able to make my classmates crack up whenever the teacher's back was turned but look angelic when they were paying attention. I was smart and wanted good grades so I always agreed to be the leader for group projects. In my teen years, I held court with amusing stories, witty comebacks, and a ready laugh. I was the life of the party. 

It was a slow journey back to the quiet introvert of my true nature. I started to realize how much peopling exhausted me and how much I hated being in charge, being the centre of attention.

I value that time in my life because I learned a lot about how to be with people. I learned I could relate to others well. Now that part of me emerges as a willingness to go along with suggestions and make things happen when no one else takes charge. I'm grateful that I know how to make people laugh and puts them at ease. I treasure my introverted soul, but I think it's pretty cool to be able to be fun, too. 

identity exercise: kind

I know that I am not always kind, but the older I get, the more I choose to be so.  I am so thankful that kindness is something that people see in me.

I think kindness has become more solidified in me because of how my relationship with Jesus has changed over the past few years.  I grew up relating to a God who was scary, punitive, and unapproachable.  I knew in my head that he loved me, but that love was only because I was part of the masses, and it was a disappointed kind of love.

More recently, I've begun to know God as deeply kind and gentle.  His love for me is measureless.  Through Jesus, God is completely approachable for me and I don't need to be afraid at all.  He isn't waiting with a big stick to  pounce on me as soon as I make a mistake.  Instead, he is waiting with open arms for me to run to him so he can gently lead me back to the Way.  

That sort of kindness leaves me awestruck and incredibly grateful.  As I internalize his kindness for me, I think it rises up and overflows from me into my attitude and interactions with other people.  God's kindness towards me has changed me into someone who longs to offer kindness to others.  How could I not? 

identity exercise: encouraging

I think this is pretty true of me.   I think I can envision good and success for other people in a way that I can't for myself.  

I wasn't always a positive person.  I remember growing up, my mother would play this game with us, where we would choose a topic and she would tell us which one we "were" - flowers, colours, etc.  We did it for the Hundred Acre Woods characters, and she said I was Eeyore - and she couldn't have been more accurate.  With hindsight, I know why:  I lived with childhood depression without having words for it.  I remember doing a spiritual gifts evaluation in high school and being told exhortation was one of my gifts, but I was definitely more of a gloomy sort with a generally negative outlook and not much hope for good. 

In college, my dormmates and I used to tear each other down in "fun", and complain a lot.  Our dorm brothers took note and challenged us to memorize 1 Thessalonians 5:11, "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact, you are doing."  That was the beginning of taking note of my words.

As an adult I retained a lot of the negativity, and I especially began to notice it in 2009, when I joined Facebook.  My statuses always seemed to be complaints, and I didn't like it.  I remember deciding at the beginning of one year, to be purposeful about sharing positive words on Facebook.  People always say that social media is a place where everyone posts all the good stuff about their lives, but I think social media can be a very negative space and I didn't want to be a part of that anymore.

Anyway, ever since then, I've learned more and more, how to have a sunny outlook, how to use words of affirmation, how to use words to build up instead of tear down.  I think that the quality of encouragement is one that I have worked to build in myself and prayed for God to build in me. I'm by no means perfect, but I do try to encourage others.

Even though I still live with significant depression, I think that I have learned how to be a voice of encouragement for others.  I think part of that is having a gift of faith, believing that God is active and present and for us.  God has taught me to be a voice of encouragement for others and I'm grateful for that gift.

identity exercise: resilient

 Resilience is the ability to move through and grow from difficult times. It also means flexible, strong, hardy, tough, able to bounce back quickly. 

I don't feel hardy or tough. I don't feel that strong. I feel fragile and broken most days. I feel like this trauma process has been neverending, with it taking days for me to come back from really hard things sometimes.

But I have made progress. I am moving through the difficult journey of trauma healing. I've grown exponentially and expect to grow more. Though I've been broken, I'm not a dead branch. Jesus keeps binding up the broken places, tending to my wounds, encouraging new growth at those snapped spots. New growth in the healed places makes them stronger.

I'm learning more and more to trust God to mend. He makes me resilient.