But also, Brant told me awhile ago that he misses my real smile. He was looking at a picture of me from a few years ago and said I don't smile that way anymore. It's because when the picture was taken, I felt really good about myself. I had starved myself to a good weight and I felt confident and happy. I was still dealing with depression and things but I didn't feel it like I do now. And the body shame I have always battled was lessened because I had lost weight. I'm so disgusted by myself, I just want to hide all the time. I know that's not how I'm supposed to feel but I don't know how to stop it.
Anyway. I do like my smile. I've always loved that I have dimples. I have straight teeth. And I think that when I smile for real, it shows more than just a face; it comes from the inside. I think it is birthed from belonging to God and from the character he is building in me. Maybe the shame and depression dim my true nature and keep it from showing on my face so much. Maybe I'll come back around to having a true smile someday.
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