identity exercise: tenacious

 Tenacious means tending to keep a firm hold on something; clinging or adhering closely.  It means not readily relinquishing a position, principle, or course of action; determined. It means persisting in existence; not easily dispelled.

I think I'm tenacious in all of those ways.  I've been fighting in some way, shape, or form, for 15 years to get past childhood trauma.  I remember when someone told me it should take me about 7 or 8 years and when I hit there and wasn't "better", I was discouraged and felt like something was wrong with me.  But I didn't give up.  Now, to be truthful, probably part of the reason it's taken me this long is that sometimes I tenaciously avoid what I need to face! 😁But hey, still fits the definition. lol

I've clung to God throughout this whole journey of life.  Since I was a wee girl, my relationship with God has been important to me.  Even when it was marked by fear and performance, it was still the most important thing in my life.  

When I believe in something or believe I'm in the right, I usually stick to my position and defend it hard.  Brant once told Caleb not to bother arguing with me because he'd never win, I'm always right.  I was hurt and offended, but he wasn't wrong.  I think if there's room for the possibility that I'm mistaken, I'm able to give in; maybe in part it's because I don't want to be wrong so I pursue the truth above holding my own position.  I know that when I'm convinced of something, I'm hard to move, though - maybe too hard...?

I have persisted in existence for years through significant clinical, now diagnosed med-resistant depression.  I've wished for death a lot over the years.  I find staying alive really hard.  But even though suicide enters my mind more in some seasons, I'm still here. I've resisted that temptation and I'll continue to do my best to resist.

Here's the thing.  There are verses in the Bible that talk about joy and abundant life.  That means that there must be some way for those things to be true for me.  I believe God loves me and isn't satisfied with the idea of me living the way I have - bowed down by depression.  I think that he has a way for me to live in the both/and - depression may not dissipate, but I can still live in Truth instead of lie.  Depression can't be all there is.  I'll keep holding on, keep trying, keep pursuing until I find the More of Life that God has for me.