identity exercise: genuine

 

I have to think about this one.  I'm not sure if it's entirely true.  I think I mask a lot, probably most of the time.  Most of the time I would rather be alone.  I wake up to a feeling of dread every day.  If I didn't mask those things, I wouldn't be very fun to be around.

What does it mean to be genuine?  The dictionary says "truly what something is said to be, authentic; sincere." 

Ok, sincere: I can get behind that.  

And, although I do keep depression & mental health issues hidden, I think that in other ways, what you see is what you get.  When I'm with people I trust, I say what I think and I'm "me" in spite of keeping the depression and diagnosis under wraps.  

The lady who does my TMS has been talking about taking the mask down.  She says my face will get used to the feeling of smiling.  I'm like, what? the mask IS the smile.  My face knows what smiling feels like.  But also, not always.  In spite of feeling the dread and heaviness of depression, I am usually able to smile and laugh with friends and family.  It's a weird, in-between place I live in.

But I know that I do have empathy and care for my friends and family, and maybe that's what people sense.  I love my people and have a real interest in their lives.  When I feel safe, I am comfortable to give my thoughts and input into conversation, and talk about hard things, including my mental health. 

So yeah, I think I am genuine.  Being genuine is good.