identity exercise: authentic

 Is there a difference between "authentic" and "genuine"?  The dictionary says authentic means "of undisputed origin; genuine" and genuine means "truly what something is said to be; authentic."  So I guess they do mean pretty much the same thing.  

I like the way authentic is defined, though:  of undisputed origin.  To me, being called authentic is high praise then.  I want it to be undisputed that I belong to Jesus.  I want people to know that my origin story is that I was found and rescued by him.  I want people to be sure that nothing I do is in my own strength, but in Christ's strength alone.  He is the one in whom I place my trust and find my worth and value.  He is the only reason I am still even drawing breath, frankly.  If people see Jesus in me and are drawn to God because of me, that's amazing.  The older I get, the more I want more of him and less of me.  I want to be authentically his, of undisputed origin.

identity exercise: adventurer

 This idea of me being an adventurer is laughable in a way.  It is seriously only because of God that I could be viewed as an adventurer.  When I was young, I was afraid of everything.  I couldn't bear new foods, unfamiliar situations, or new things.  Even when I got married, I was terrified of learning to drive in a new place and getting to know new people.

It started with living far from family.  Brant often didn't want to take time off to drive that far to visit family, and he always wanted to safe his time off for hunting.  Especially once the kids arrived, I made the decision to travel alone, because I wanted the kids to know their extended family.  Then along came missions.  I had always given towards missions, but moving to Nigeria for two years was way out of my comfort zone.  I did it because God called us to it and it was a step of obedience.  Since we came home, I've continued to travel for short-term missions trips all over the world.  I guess I've found the "adventurer" moniker amusing because it seems like "obedient" is the better word. If it wasn't for God calling, I'd never have gone anywhere.

I think what has made me an adventurer is mainly the fact that I believe God is with me all the time.  It's not that I think nothing bad could ever happen to me, but I know that God will never abandon me so I feel confident that I am safe no matter what happens.  

identity exercise: lovable

When I hear the word lovable, I think of something cute and cuddly, soft and squishy like a stuffed animal.  In the dictionary, it means inspiring or deserving love or affection.

I struggle to see myself as lovable.  I am overly familiar with my faults and I identify strongly with those.  It's much easier to think of a list of things wrong with me than to try to understand why someone would say that I am lovable, and try to explain what they mean.

If I go by my definition, I could say that I'm carrying enough pounds to be squishy and cuddly and soft, I suppose.  And I'm often told I'm cute or adorable - maybe because I'm shortish and I can be excitable about simple things?

If I look at myself through the dictionary definition, it's harder.  What makes a person lovable?  Is it my smile?  My looks?  How I dress?  My interests and hobbies?  More than these, I think.  I hope it's the way I care about people.  I want it to be my gentle spirit that makes me lovable.  Or my go-with-the-flow nature.  I want to be lovable because people can tell that I'm fun and that I care about them.  I hope that's what makes me lovable.

 

identity exercise: million dollar smile

 I have been told for as long as I can remember that I have a great smile.  A smile is not a character trait, but it's nice to hear.  

But also, Brant told me awhile ago that he misses my real smile.  He was looking at a picture of me from a few years ago and said I don't smile that way anymore.  It's because when the picture was taken, I felt really good about myself.  I had starved myself to a good weight and I felt confident and happy.  I was still dealing with depression and things but I didn't feel it like I do now.  And the body shame I have always battled was lessened because I had lost weight.  I'm so disgusted by myself, I just want to hide all the time.  I know that's not how I'm supposed to feel but I don't know how to stop it.

Anyway.  I do like my smile.  I've always loved that I have dimples.  I have straight teeth.  And I think that when I smile for real, it shows more than just a face; it comes from the inside.  I think it is birthed from belonging to God and from the character he is building in me.  Maybe the shame and depression dim my true nature and keep it from showing on my face so much.  Maybe I'll come back around to having a true smile someday.

identity exercise: tenacious

 Tenacious means tending to keep a firm hold on something; clinging or adhering closely.  It means not readily relinquishing a position, principle, or course of action; determined. It means persisting in existence; not easily dispelled.

I think I'm tenacious in all of those ways.  I've been fighting in some way, shape, or form, for 15 years to get past childhood trauma.  I remember when someone told me it should take me about 7 or 8 years and when I hit there and wasn't "better", I was discouraged and felt like something was wrong with me.  But I didn't give up.  Now, to be truthful, probably part of the reason it's taken me this long is that sometimes I tenaciously avoid what I need to face! 😁But hey, still fits the definition. lol

I've clung to God throughout this whole journey of life.  Since I was a wee girl, my relationship with God has been important to me.  Even when it was marked by fear and performance, it was still the most important thing in my life.  

When I believe in something or believe I'm in the right, I usually stick to my position and defend it hard.  Brant once told Caleb not to bother arguing with me because he'd never win, I'm always right.  I was hurt and offended, but he wasn't wrong.  I think if there's room for the possibility that I'm mistaken, I'm able to give in; maybe in part it's because I don't want to be wrong so I pursue the truth above holding my own position.  I know that when I'm convinced of something, I'm hard to move, though - maybe too hard...?

I have persisted in existence for years through significant clinical, now diagnosed med-resistant depression.  I've wished for death a lot over the years.  I find staying alive really hard.  But even though suicide enters my mind more in some seasons, I'm still here. I've resisted that temptation and I'll continue to do my best to resist.

Here's the thing.  There are verses in the Bible that talk about joy and abundant life.  That means that there must be some way for those things to be true for me.  I believe God loves me and isn't satisfied with the idea of me living the way I have - bowed down by depression.  I think that he has a way for me to live in the both/and - depression may not dissipate, but I can still live in Truth instead of lie.  Depression can't be all there is.  I'll keep holding on, keep trying, keep pursuing until I find the More of Life that God has for me.