identity exercise: always ready to get something going

 This is a fun thing to be but it didn't come easily.

I was incredibly shy and timid as a little girl. I never wanted to join groups. I was happiest alone, and as I grew, with a book in my hand.  I learned that I was too moody and sensitive through the teasing and frustration from my family.

It wasn't a conscious decision that brought me out of my shell. Some part of me understood that I was not valued for who I was and I needed to become something else, so I did. By the time I was in grade 8, I had become a sly class clown, able to make my classmates crack up whenever the teacher's back was turned but look angelic when they were paying attention. I was smart and wanted good grades so I always agreed to be the leader for group projects. In my teen years, I held court with amusing stories, witty comebacks, and a ready laugh. I was the life of the party. 

It was a slow journey back to the quiet introvert of my true nature. I started to realize how much peopling exhausted me and how much I hated being in charge, being the centre of attention.

I value that time in my life because I learned a lot about how to be with people. I learned I could relate to others well. Now that part of me emerges as a willingness to go along with suggestions and make things happen when no one else takes charge. I'm grateful that I know how to make people laugh and puts them at ease. I treasure my introverted soul, but I think it's pretty cool to be able to be fun, too. 

identity exercise: kind

I know that I am not always kind, but the older I get, the more I choose to be so.  I am so thankful that kindness is something that people see in me.

I think kindness has become more solidified in me because of how my relationship with Jesus has changed over the past few years.  I grew up relating to a God who was scary, punitive, and unapproachable.  I knew in my head that he loved me, but that love was only because I was part of the masses, and it was a disappointed kind of love.

More recently, I've begun to know God as deeply kind and gentle.  His love for me is measureless.  Through Jesus, God is completely approachable for me and I don't need to be afraid at all.  He isn't waiting with a big stick to  pounce on me as soon as I make a mistake.  Instead, he is waiting with open arms for me to run to him so he can gently lead me back to the Way.  

That sort of kindness leaves me awestruck and incredibly grateful.  As I internalize his kindness for me, I think it rises up and overflows from me into my attitude and interactions with other people.  God's kindness towards me has changed me into someone who longs to offer kindness to others.  How could I not? 

identity exercise: encouraging

I think this is pretty true of me.   I think I can envision good and success for other people in a way that I can't for myself.  

I wasn't always a positive person.  I remember growing up, my mother would play this game with us, where we would choose a topic and she would tell us which one we "were" - flowers, colours, etc.  We did it for the Hundred Acre Woods characters, and she said I was Eeyore - and she couldn't have been more accurate.  With hindsight, I know why:  I lived with childhood depression without having words for it.  I remember doing a spiritual gifts evaluation in high school and being told exhortation was one of my gifts, but I was definitely more of a gloomy sort with a generally negative outlook and not much hope for good. 

In college, my dormmates and I used to tear each other down in "fun", and complain a lot.  Our dorm brothers took note and challenged us to memorize 1 Thessalonians 5:11, "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact, you are doing."  That was the beginning of taking note of my words.

As an adult I retained a lot of the negativity, and I especially began to notice it in 2009, when I joined Facebook.  My statuses always seemed to be complaints, and I didn't like it.  I remember deciding at the beginning of one year, to be purposeful about sharing positive words on Facebook.  People always say that social media is a place where everyone posts all the good stuff about their lives, but I think social media can be a very negative space and I didn't want to be a part of that anymore.

Anyway, ever since then, I've learned more and more, how to have a sunny outlook, how to use words of affirmation, how to use words to build up instead of tear down.  I think that the quality of encouragement is one that I have worked to build in myself and prayed for God to build in me. I'm by no means perfect, but I do try to encourage others.

Even though I still live with significant depression, I think that I have learned how to be a voice of encouragement for others.  I think part of that is having a gift of faith, believing that God is active and present and for us.  God has taught me to be a voice of encouragement for others and I'm grateful for that gift.

identity exercise: resilient

 Resilience is the ability to move through and grow from difficult times. It also means flexible, strong, hardy, tough, able to bounce back quickly. 

I don't feel hardy or tough. I don't feel that strong. I feel fragile and broken most days. I feel like this trauma process has been neverending, with it taking days for me to come back from really hard things sometimes.

But I have made progress. I am moving through the difficult journey of trauma healing. I've grown exponentially and expect to grow more. Though I've been broken, I'm not a dead branch. Jesus keeps binding up the broken places, tending to my wounds, encouraging new growth at those snapped spots. New growth in the healed places makes them stronger.

I'm learning more and more to trust God to mend. He makes me resilient.