A few years ago, a friend told me that I was not compassionate enough. That if I just said things to her "this way" then I wouldn't make her feel so ashamed.
So for a long time now, I've thought that I am not a compassionate person, that kindness is something I need to develop. That I'm a sledgehammer rather than a gentle hand. It was another thing I hated about myself and berated myself for.
I remember once as a little girl, my mom and I were in the grocery store line behind a First Nations lady. I had $5 burning a hole in my pocket, and I was eyeing the checkout bounty in anticipation. But the woman in front of us didn`t have didn't have enough money for her her groceries and I ended up near tears. I whispered to my mom that I wanted to give my money to the woman, and my mom whispered back that it was ok, but that I should know she had probably spent her money on alcohol and that`s why she didn`t have enough. I did not care, didn`t understand why that was even a factor. The woman need groceries. Maybe she had kids and they would be hungry. I shyly handed her my money and left the store with my mom with a deep feeling that what I had done was the right thing.
Remembering that incident, I realize that having a heart for the hurting and weak is a true statement about me. The problem is, I often see/hear people wailing their woes and want to tell them to suck it up. Maybe that has to do with the fact that discernment is high in my spiritual gifts inventory. The thing about my friend who spoke of my lack of compassion was, I always felt led to speak the bald truth to her without beating around the bush, not in a mean way, but without mincing words. I felt that she wanted but didn't need coddling. But with others, I have felt led to be gentler, kinder, to show more patience.
Another thing I've noticed is that in my fragile mental state, I have less bandwidth to engage. I've thought that it meant I was callous and uncaring, but maybe not. Maybe it means that I feel others' pain deeply, but I am often unable to do more than send a groan to God. The sorrow and injustice in the world moves me to a darker place when I'm already struggling to stay with the light, a place closer to despair and hopelessness.
So do I have a heart for the weak and hurting? Yes, coupled with discernment and fragility. All these are good things about my identity, even the fragility. I am glad that I can enter into someone else's pain with them, glad to offer quiet presence in the dark places. I think discernment allows me to see with clarity and avoid being drawn in where compassion isn't necessarily what someone needs. And the fragility limits me so that I'm not trying to be all to all, because that certainly isn't healthy. Compassion, empathy, discernment, fragility. Gifts from God, to me, that make me who I am. Who I am is beloved, valued, gifted, blessing.
I am especially drawn to the last paragraph and how you are fleshing out the interwoven complexities of these four traits that run within you and through you. It IS a beautiful gift to be able to feel another's pain and 'send a groan to God' and not have to rush to try and save the world. I think of times when I wish to share with another but do not want to add to someone else's already weighted shoulders, or do not really need to be fixed... just to be seen and heard and sat with in the dark. To have a friend like you in this regard is a treasure.
ReplyDelete